10 more days till I turn the big 2-0! call me bitch, i honestly don't give a fuck
i could careless about anyone and anything right fucking now.

done deal, i'm going to bed. I'm been sitting infront of my computer screen trying to find anything on the internet rather than doing my homework. I always try to avoid my homework and I know that's a bad thing to do. I feel like going to the mall. I haven't cashed my pay stub yet from like 3 weeks ago and I still need to pick up my other pay stub. Jeez, I wonder why my work hasn't scheduled me yet, it has literally been a month. I'm going to call later to see if I still even work there. GOSH! Don't get me wrong Aritzia is a nice place to work but they are so anal with sales its scary.

Anyways, I've finally decided where to host my 20th birthday; MANSION :) I checked out the venue, well the pictures, and it's hella sexy! Wooooooow, and the good thing about it is that they have 2 rooms and they both are going to play niiice music, I'm happy about my choice, hehe. I just have to figure out what I'm going to wear, I don't want to wear something skanky 'cause its cold and I don't want to freeze to death lol. I need a boyfriend blazer!!! URG. I saw the perfect one at H&M for like $40 bucks but obviously, they didn't have my size! I'm planning to buy one at my work since I get discount but its still going to be hella expensive ='( WAAAH. I need to work! My birthday is soon and I need to have money. Shootnesssssss....!!! This is so frustrating. It's 3:00 pm and I have not opened my books or even touched my school bag. LOL. I wonder what's going on with the college strike? No one ever tells students anything anymore and we're the ones paying to BE in school, jerks!

Okay well, I'm going to shower. Tootles. I need to get myself blogging again. I'm slacking...boo! I'm just so lazy to type out whatever I'm feeling..haha. I'M SUCH A LAZY BUMM! I want everything to come easy to me...honestly, this is my last semester at school and I have to apply to University soon because if I don't, I'll be a bum this September. FUCK. This is so stressing, like I know I want to become a teacher but there is so much work to be done, and I feel like I'm so useless, you know? I just want to be set with life and work. I still have University to go through, mother eff. I need to major in a course but I don't know where or what exactly my strengths are. Seriously, what's the point of me being here? What's my purpose, no emo or anything, but seriously...why am I here? What am I meant to do? I'm honestly lost with everything. I don't know what I'm good at. I clearly suck at everything, I'm stupid. I am. I really can't apply myself to anything I do. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, I just want to finish and complete something so my parents will be happy. I want them to see how hard I've worked but I'm hardly working...I want them to see that I'm so grateful for their support. URG. This is so frustratingggg!!! I wish I would win the lottery or SOMETHING! I need a sign, I need some sort of sign to lead me towards the right path, I need something...I just don't know what...

...I just hope I can come to my senses sooner or later. What can I say? This week has been HELL. I've never thought that MY FAMILY out of all families would experience what we've experienced. There were definitely tears, but not tears of joy. Tears of sadness, disappointment and anger. I still can't wrap my head around the whole situation 'cause I'm still in fucking denial. I never thought this would happen AGAIN. I really don't know what else to say but that I'm disappointed and still upset. It will take time for me to understand it all and accept it? I really don't know what to expect this year.

What can I say...
TIMES ARE HARD... new layout, hopefully this will motivate me to continue to write in my blog =) Christmas vacay is done. Winter semester starts tomorrow. Hoorah! Sorta excited for this sem because it's pretty spread out, even though my wednesday, again, are a bitch. Monday I have 2 classes from 8-12, Tuesday NO CLASS :), Wednesday 3 classes from 8-5, Thursday NO CLASS :) and then Friday 2 classes from 11-1...BOMB.

How was your vacation Sam? It was good, seemed pretty long lol. 3 weeks? I'm excited though for this year, CALIFORNIA in JULY and PHILIPPINES in DECEMBER. That means I have to freaking save MONEY! Ahhhhh, that means no shopping or eating out or whatever.

My birthday is exactly in ONE MONTH! The big 2-0....whuuut, I really have no idea what I want to do for my birthday...I honestly want to do it up at a club + hotel, but that's going to be hella expensive, and I don't want to hustle people to pay $20 each 'cause I know that no one will...LOL. Whatevs, I don't really know...

Anyways, this was just a lil update...peace. this is my 3rd post of the day, my other posts were just nothing really, although i love that song!

i really don't know what to write right now. i feel like i have so much to get off my chest that nothing wants to come out. the past few days have been hella rocky and it sucked major balls. but i'm cool now, i hope. okay, straight up, i don't know where we stand. it ain't nothing bad, it's just not the same, not in the bad way to the extent where i'm going to leave you, hell no. i'll love you no matter what shit goes down. im just feelin' a lil blue, but i'll get over it, i guess its just temporary? or im just going through an emo stage? i really hope we can get this relationship back to a level where you and i connect without the silly arugments. You know that I want you babe
You know that I need you
You know that I love you
Just say it
Am I giving enough?
Is it all that should be?
When water gets rough
Will you still swim with me?
So afraid to come close
And maybe too soon
And maybe too much
For you to consume

And I wanna know if I
Can live inside your world
And I wanna know if I
Can give it to you girl
You know that I want you say it
You know that I need you say it
You know that I love you say it
Our love just goes on and on and on
You know that I want you say it
You know that I need you say it
You know that I love you say it
My love just goes on and on and on

I gave you all that you need
There's no better place you can be
And I know that in time
You will believe in me
So please hold out your hand
And lets exchange these golden bands
'Cause I want you in my life
I want you to be my wife we cool? “You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.” do you know what it feels like to be told that everything is you're fault? that you escalate everything to another level when it shouldn't be escalated? that you should learn how to accept criticism? that you're a coward just because you're scared of what's infront of you? i guess not because you're always right.

when words like those are coming out of someone's mouth that you absolutely love and would do anything for that person, it hurts 10x more than you will ever know.
do you know what it feels like?

i will never be able to be a good girlfriend to you. i feel like its impossible, or maybe i just don't know how to because every single thing i do is wrong, or doesn't meet your requirements.

"if you know you're right, then you're right" you broke me down last night, to the extent where i felt like the most horrible person on earth, to the extent where i just wanted to let go, to the extent where i just wanted to give up...i'm not as strong as i thought i was...but baby, you broke me down...

"In the end no ones gonna be there for you, your gonna be alone hyena lookin for your buddies to carry your weight when you finally meet simba. I can't wait."

welcome to 2010 baby...